When I was 5 years old, I had a headache.
We lived in India then, and I remember walking up to the place my mother was sitting with a friend under a tree. They were engaged in an animated conversation, but I approached them and announced “Mummy, I have a headache,”.
My mother looked at me and said, “You don’t even know what a headache is!” She laughed as though I were being precocious, and continued with her conversation.
I remember that moment as my first betrayal by my mother. I know that sounds dramatic, but that’s how it crystallized in my consciousness: mummy did not respond to my request for help; I must have done something wrong; she doesn’t see me (i.e. how can she not know that I need her)… and now what?
I recall feeling disoriented and walking away confused. I know that particular memory played a vital role in how I would come to feel about asking for help in my life. It made me question the validity of what I was feeling. When I think back to that precise moment, I perceive it as a point in my development where my sense of self became mangled. I lost my confidence when it came to asserting my wants and needs.
Imagine now, if we could time travel back to those moments where we made negative assumptions out of confusion or fear. Imagine if we could help our younger selves arrive at a different conclusion.
Want to try?
Think back to a memory from your life that still pulls at you.
It could be a moment when you were hurt by someone, felt misunderstood, or worthless. Allow yourself to locate the memory and the feelings you experienced.
Now, imagine you are standing next to yourself (whatever age you are in the memory. In my example, I would be standing next to my 5-year-old self) and ask “What do you need in this moment to feel better? What will help you right here, right now to remember your wholeness?”
Take a moment and listen. You may be surprised by how articulate your memory self is, and how ready they are to be free from the encapsulation of those feelings. Whatever you perceive – could be a color, an object, a symbol, or a person – imagine giving it to them. If they want a hug, put your arms around them. Stay with them until they feel safe and relaxed.
When your past self is ready, ask them what color they need from you to be liberated from this memory. Imagine that color coming in from the universe, filling up your memory self, and releasing them gently into the light.
Free.
How does it feel for you now?
We can heal our past pains by revisiting those defining moments, and finally giving that part of ourselves the strength, love, assurance we may have needed.
Time is an illusion, and we are more than capable of breaking the spells of hurt and suffering that clog our personal histories.
Let’s take a deep breath and expand into our wholeness.