by Navjit Kandola
(This is part 3 of the “Fixing yourself for future success” series. Have you read the 2 previous posts: Can You Fix Failure? and, Breaking The Spell of Repeat Failures? If you haven’t yet, please have a look at them when you get a chance or if you want to follow the steps in order).
In Step One, Breaking the Spell of Repeat Failures, I had you look at memories in which you allowed fear to take the lead instead of following your desired feelings. What did you discover? Are there any lingering negative patterns from yesteryear that you would like to vanquish?
For many of us, fear or survival consciousness (subtle whisperings such as how are we going to pay the bills if you decide to start writing that travel book? Or, too many others are already doing this or you’re not good enough) can distract us by sounding very logical and rational. It is up to us to be on our toes and question the thoughts and assumptions as to their validity and purpose as they arise within our minds, shape our lives, and inflict upon our future success.
Step Two
Questioning Assumptions
An assumption is a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without evidence or proof.
That sport’s day, I had arrived to compete in the race, full of my own self-inflicted assumptions and fears. Some were absorbed from my family, whilst others were a pre-existing mish mosh of anxieties about not being good enough, being a middle child and so on.
I did not know that those anxieties and fears arose from assumptions within me.
Q: What were some of your assumptions you made that day?
A: That no one would cheer for me. I was an outsider, different and I was the wrong color to win. I had upset the order of things.
Q: What evidence do you have to back up the assumptions?
A: No one cheered for me. People looked at me funnily after I won. No one congratulated me.
Q: What conclusions did you make?
A: Better not to win because I am going to get negative attention and my win felt like I didn’t deserve to win. No one cheered for me because I was the wrong color.
Q: Do you know for sure that that is what those people were thinking?
A: No
Q: What do you know for sure?
A: I felt nervous and afraid that day anyway. Winning the race just added to something that was there already.
Q: Did those assumptions and conclusions make a positive impact on your life?
A: No. They made me close down and feel like a failure.
Q: What would happen if you could let go of those assumptions, ie no one cheered for you because of your color, people looked at you funnily, you are a failure?
A: I would feel freer. Maybe even less burdened. As I sit with that idea and become quiet, I imagine different outcomes for me. Maybe I could be a winner, come in first for a change!
This is a small example of breaking down assumptions, why don’t you give it a go and see if you can uncover some of your assumptions that no longer serve you.
Step Three
A new path
One of the best ways to identify and let go of assumptions is to employ your inner voice or intuition to the task. Want to try? You may be surprised by what you learn here.
Take a deep breath and close your eyes. Allow yourself to relax for a few moments as you inhale and exhale. Now on your next breath in ask your inner voice, your Higher Self to show you a current failure creating assumption that you need to release. You may need to repeat the question a few times, just listen quietly for the answer, it may come as a feeling, or a knowing or words and images.
Once you perceive the assumption take a moment to feel what it creates in your life, the pulse and scope of its reach into your life. Be rigorous in your reflection here.
Now take another deep breath and ask your body where you hold this assumption/s in your body. We store the stories of our lives in our bodies and our assumptions are stories. Feel into your body. Listen by quietening down the mind and distractions. Once you can locate the assumption, ask that place in your body what color it wants to be released. Take the first color you perceive and imagine it pouring into that body part. Use all your imagination muscles to visualize the assumption dissolving. Become free of it.
Inhale slowly and feel what has shifted within you. Is there more space? Quiet? Connection? Give yourself a few moments to be in this energy before opening your eyes.
Make some notes on what you learned and released in this exercise.
Failure is not a forgone conclusion. Its existence is fuelled by us subtly and overtly. We can untangle ourselves by taking the simple steps I have outlined in this and the previous 2 posts.
Now your turn, what does your future success look like without the failure narrative? Are there assumptions that you need help identifying? Contact me and let’s get you on your way to brighter futures.
by Navjit Kandola
Last week, I shared a story from my childhood with you of my winning a sporting event, which resulted in my coming in 2nd and 3rd place for most of my life. I had concluded that I didn’t deserve to come in first place and that if I came in first it would mean disapproval and negativity. So, I chose either to not pursue dreams or if I did, I didn’t set high goals for myself.
This conclusion brought with it a silent pain. A pain of feeling unaccomplished and deep unease because I was envious of others’ (family, friends, colleagues) successes. Fortunately, I was able to use the following techniques to overcome my negative conclusions and expectations. I put myself back on the winning path and I can help you to do the same.
Today, I want to dive deeper and share some techniques with you that I have used to break the negative repercussions and repeat failures that simple conclusions can generate.
We have many choices and tools that can transform even the most hurtful experiences into life nourishing, self-confidence boosting realities. Failure or viewing ourselves as unworthy or undeserving only points to a limited perspective of a bigger whole in which we can be engaged players.
Let’s take the memory above and apply these 3 simple sets and see how they transform pain and repeat failure.
Step One
A different approach – pay attention to your head and heart. If I could have been with my younger self that day, I would have told her to focus on her body and strength, her breathing and what she wanted to accomplish versus focusing on what she thought others were thinking.
I would have encouraged her to listen to her heart’s desire and how she wanted to feel about herself instead of her fears of others interpretation of her. Do you ever or have you ever found yourself focusing on the negative self-talk instead of on how you want to feel?
Take a moment and write down memories or experiences where you allowed your fear to take the lead instead of your desired feelings/results. How did it feel and what was the outcome? Now make a second list and write down what would it be like to follow your feelings instead of fears? This is a huge distinction that you want to anchor in and practice in your daily life.
If you find yourself heading into a difficult situation, take some time beforehand to get clear on what you would like to achieve and tap into your strengths (feelings) that you can use to generate those goals. Ask yourself: how do I want to feel during and on the other side of this situation? Then do everything in your power to generate those feelings.
A clear, connected head and heart relationship creates deep self-knowledge and confidence for any imagined or real battlefields. Practice this step every day from the start of your day, for projects, in relationships; basically for everything.
Next week, in step two, we explore assumptions and how to figure out which assumptions are ruling your life and leading you away from a fulfilling, rich life.
Thank you for reading my posts and please share them with family and friends; you never know when a simple technique can be the ray of light in someone’s unspoken darkness. See you next week, my loves.
by Navjit Kandola
Have you ever felt like an outsider or not good enough because of some detail like race, sexual orientation, religion or all of these things? As a young kid, I felt we (my siblings and me) were looked upon as less than the white kids, as having innate flaws and it was these unspeakable flaws that I wanted to keep hidden by not taking part in the annual sport’s day at my school.
I must have been 10 or 11 that day, taking part in my middle school’s sports day. I didn’t want anything to do with the sport’s day because I knew none of the kids would cheer for me and that made me feel very self-conscious about myself. I was one of 2 Indians (the other was my older sister) at an all white school, in an all white village in the 80s in the UK.
I don’t remember the start of the race but I remember feeling that things were going well. I was neither at the front or the back of the pack of runners. I felt my confidence grow as my long skinny legs carried me forward with ease. I let go of my inhibitions and before I knew it I was in third place. But then the girl who was in first place tripped and fell and right after her the girl in second place also fell.
In those few seconds, I had to make a choice. Stop or run past the two fallen runners and take first place. Before I could think things through I was over the finishing line. I had won. However, there was not a single cheer for me. My victory was a failure. Disdainful and upset looks met my eyes from most of the parents and kids.
I felt so ashamed. I concluded it would have been better not to win. By winning, I brought their negative attention on me. It felt like I had proven them right. That I was a lesser being than them. Would it have been more sportsmanlike to wait for both runners to get up and cross the line before me? I wondered. Or let the kids behind me finish first? On some subconscious level, I felt I had upset the order of things.
I felt so conflicted, exposed and embarrassed by that episode that I vowed I would never take part in such an event ever again (I didn’t). The victory that day, along with feeling so visible in front of parents, kids and teachers made me shut down. I concluded that the win was bad and that there was something within me that didn’t deserve to win.
The following year, I managed to skive out of sports day by presenting the PE teacher with a note saying that I had bruised my foot whilst moving the settee (a small sofa). The note was written by my sister (older by 11 months) and the bruise I presented to the teacher was created using felt tip pens. I limped around for full effect.
That memory is still so vivid and alive in my mind and body. I can connect to the shame and anger I felt as those parents looked at me. Why was it so awful for me to win? How could winning be so obvoiusly a failure for me? What I couldn’t articulate at that age but definitely felt was that somehow, I was the wrong color to win. If I had been white it would have been totally acceptable to win as I had.
Those flickers of judgment that I felt from parents, kids, and teachers were internalized to such a degree that I never felt comfortable coming in first place again. Without being aware of this inner vow, I happily took 2nd or 3rd place in different spheres of my life.
The very act of being visible, successful, winning at things, which I had a natural aptitude for, became painful to pursue while at the same time, feelings of anxiety and failure took root.
We all have memories or experiences in which we have judged ourselves and in turn created behaviours that narrow our self-expression and success in life.
Are there choices available to us in those moments or even years after, to alter the negative course we take as a result of conclusions we’ve made? Is there a way to interpret other’s negative judgement of us differently, so we can manifest positive outcomes? Or does seeing ourselves as something less, as failures fascinate us to such a degree that we commit to playing that role for the rest of our lives?
Find out the answers to these questions and how to break the spell of repeat failure next week, right here at Tenderlogic. In the meantime, tell me have you ever concluded that you didn’t deserve to win or come first? Share with us in the comments below.
